The Good Stuff Moves Closer

The past three weeks have been incredibly difficult but I’m not whining. Simply stating a fact. The frustration has been centered around my work. Some days I have considered drawing a bullseye on the wall to give a target for head-banging.

Since I began documenting the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill over three years ago, I have felt pressure to work hard to make a difference in the world. That’s always been my intention but since witnessing the devastating effects on wildlife and human life, I have been almost frantic to help raise awareness of what humans are doing to the planet.

This year I’ve been feeling the importance of documenting nature’s beauty as a way to increase passion and concern but with the same push–the panic thought that time is short, we are losing this beauty!

I’ve felt stuck lately…more than three weeks of stuck-ness. Months of it. I feel my work…the images and words….exist in a small circle of people. Appreciative and grateful people…but I’ve wondered if what I’m doing makes a difference. And the more I did, the more it felt as if I were treading ‘water’ in mud.

Two weeks ago I decided to let go and see what happened. This coincided with a question posed to me.

Each morning I light a candle, do a dedication and say a prayer. One day I specifically said, “Would you PLEASE show me what you want me to do?” Immediately and with a rush of force I heard, “What do YOU want to do?”

I stood astounded as my inner voice faded. Oh…so if I’m doing what I enjoy, it will be my best and most creative work and therefore fulfill my purpose. From that day on I have asked myself, “What do I want to do?” All through the day my work unfolds and when I focus on my website or do graphic design, or go on photography shoots it is effortless. It flows.

For the first time in many, many years I’m learning to relax and rest. When I work now it comes from my heart, not from a mental effort to push forward, to do, to make a difference, to work, work, work….because I have believed that it’s not okay to take up space unless I’m contributing. My mind loves to create things for me to do to justify my existence. But the fact is, that’s really not how it works. The more pressure I apply, the less I felt truly free to create my life’s work.

As I have stopped pushing and started breathing….living, the joy has returned. My work flows when I am in a creative mood and without the heavy hand I was using on myself, I feel lighter and more at peace than I have been since the oil spill occurred.

Joy, pleasure, happiness felt foreign to me since witnessing the spill and its effects. Slowly, I’m freeing myself from the self-imposed prison of my inner task master. As I do this the good stuff moves closer….I can FEEL it! My body vibrates with the goodness that has been waiting just out of reach. All it needed was a receptive spirit.

I am grateful.