Waiting for Light

I was seated on my mat waiting for class to begin. Behind me I heard a voice whisper, “I love you, Simone.” That’s when I began to come out from under a cloud. I turned around and gave Caitlyn a quick hug. “Thank you,” I whispered back. Finally, breath returned as I inhaled deeply and refocused on the yoga instructor.

The past few weeks have been heavy with hate. From Orlando to Minnesota, Louisiana, Texas, Iraq, France….the killing, bombing, acts of hate built up a dark cloud that felt smothering. It didn’t help that I was bullied and learned what it felt like for hate and meanness to be directed at me during this time. I came away from the situation with more compassion and understanding for those who are hated…for any reason but perhaps something like their skin color, who they love, their religion, their gender…education level….size of bank account….species… every day I went out on my back porch and sat in the hammock swing under the shade of a grandmother oak tree and stared into a lush courtyard. How can hate be so rampant? What are we doing to ourselves, each other…the planet?

Times like these are when my choice to be single really weighs heavy on me. This is when I want a man’s strong arms to embrace me and tell me it will be okay or if it’s not, at least I have someone to share the pain and grief of a world gone psycho. When the world is imploding on itself is when I most want companionship…not to fix the insanity of the world but to help me keep from slipping into the dark hole with so many others.

Toward the end of the week I was struggling. My self-talk was getting progressively more negative and I was quickly slipping into old behaviors of self-doubt and admittedly…self-hate. I mean, everyone else is doing it….

The cloud began to lift on the way to yoga class. A rainbow appeared in the sky. Rainbows have been very prominent in my life over the past few years, especially when a message is trying to come through. Then in class my friend reminded me there is love in the world amid hate. Then this morning’s sea turtle beach patrol brought more peace.

The darling dog boy awakened me at 3.15am. My alarm was set for 4.30 so going back to sleep wasn’t an option. I quickly jotted down a couple of dreams, fed the critters and then headed to the beach. It was far too early to begin walking the patrol section but the need to connect with the Gulf was great.

In yesterday’s meditation I saw, in my mind’s eye, a man holding my hands and then placing them on the white sand of the beach and then standing beside me as I knelt in surrender. When I arrived over 45 minutes before sunrise the beach was far too dark to see turtle tracks or nests I had to check. So I stood and then knelt and placed my hands on the sand and surrendered.

Waiting for light…what a perfectly timed teaching to receive. How agonizing it is to wait for change….of self, others, the world…in those dark moments before the light returns fear can grasp the strongest mind and heart.

The street light in the distance was brilliant as I stood in near complete darkness at the water’s edge. One light can illuminate such a large area. And the sun…well, that can illuminate massive areas of our Ocean planet. Like the beach this morning….every small bit of light increased my range of sight. Yesterday’s mediation reminded me to focus on light and love every time doubts, fears and grief surfaced.

As the light grew, moment-by-moment, peace returned to my mind and heart. As I began walking, a chant arose. Peace to you, brothers and sisters, peace to you. Love to you, brothers and sisters, love to you. Joy to you, brothers and sisters, joy to you. To every gull, tern, ghost crab, great blue heron, dolphin, shark, human…Peace to you.

At one point I looked out over the Gulf and saw a very high blow from a cetacean…too big for a dolphin. Who then? I glanced behind me and there was a cloud forming a big okay symbol, like a hand. That brought a smile. And then the large rainbow as I neared home brought even more peace.

During this time where hate is being exposed, where the insanity of darkness seems to fuel hate, it’s important to let nature heal our hearts and minds. And it’s a time to join together in harmony and love and build upon peace by living it with those ready and willing to be in that space with us.