Trusting the Wind

Last night a song I heard 35 years ago played in the Apple Chill Mix round. It was one of those new age songs that became popular in the 80’s. I haven’t heard it in…well, probably 35 years. It was a foundational song in the leap on to a conscious and intentional spiritual path of healing. As I was listening it felt like a rip occurred within me.

It was like the fabric of who I am was once again ripped open, just like it was those many years ago, and I had all of this unhealed pain surface. Negative opinions about myself formed the basis of the flood of darkness that poured out of me. I reflected on those 35 years and where I thought I’d ‘be’ now. It really wasn’t such a lovely experience.

Where is my work making a difference? How is it supporting me financially? I want to bring beauty and joy and healing to this life experience and help others do that…how can I know if this is even happening?

Rather than go down that rabbit hole too deeply I went into meditation and it took a lot of focus to be able to calm my mind and let go of the negative messages bubbling up within me. An experience happened in the meditation where every animal and person that I have touched in a positive way showed up and ‘told me’ they were there to speak for me. It was quite overwhelming to see the many wild animals, dogs, cats, and people who showed up. I wept. Deeply.

I’ve tried to work a regular job and either I’ve not found the right one or my artistic, spiritual, creative side rebels and refuses to stay in a box. Everything within me goes into stress mode in a job where I’m not using my talents. When I was a state park naturalist it was amazing because I got to use my creativity and had a supervisor that trusted my environmental education expertise. But that was a long time ago.

Then there was the master’s in counseling and various jobs that followed and I have to be honest, I didn’t like that work…people rarely wanted to do the hard work of self-change and expected a magic wand along with their session time. Then I loved being a massage therapist and energy work practitioner…a lot! And I enjoyed teaching massage therapy and Reiki and Polarity Therapy. I felt like I was helping people feel better. And I still might do some energy work for folks once we can safely gather in close quarters.

But the most amazing work I’ve ever done happened from a promise I made to Great Spirit many, many years ago. I said if I ever had the financial means, I would dedicate myself and my life to helping the Earth heal. And 15 years ago I sold property I inherited and kept that promise. I documented the Gulf Oil Spill for a year, produced books and shared passionately about the relationship I have with Nature. I have shared with school children and church and civic groups about my journeys with humpback whales, dolphins, manatees and places like stone circles of England and the amazing western coast of Ireland. Nothing has brought me greater joy. But it hasn’t brought a sustainable income. And the world says I must be a failure if I cannot support myself through my work.

So last night I really felt the questions arise…What have the last 35 years meant? Have I made a difference?

It feels as if I’ve been on a 35 year long journey of clearing out the ineffective parts of my personality, honing the good parts, letting go of so much…shedding who I thought I was over and over again…allowing my life to unravel and unravel and unravel to a point of emptiness. And maybe that’s exactly what needed to happen. If we are empty then we can be filled.

Many, many years ago I stood on a beach and asked why I was doing the hard work of personal healing and the answer came through the purples and oranges of the sunset: The clearer and more open you are, the more able you are to take in beauty. So I continued on the way. And it’s true.

More than anything I want people to know that it’s worth the pain and struggle and effort when we can become clearer within our hearts and minds and thus more able to connect to the amazing Oneness found all around us. With beauty, with Nature.

Those moments where I have gone deeper with Nature…with humpback whales or dolphins, with the stars and moon, the ocean, the mountains…the experience of bliss and nearly unbelievable joy has made all of the hard work worth it. So I’ve written books and taken photographs and created videos and music in an effort to somehow translate this bliss and joy and remind other humans that it is possible.

I don’t know if my work reaches many people but I hope it reaches the ones that need it, long for hope and something to work toward in their healing journeys. A dear friend reminded me today that we never know how many folks we impact so I cast these pearls of experiences to the wind and allow that sacred breath to carry them wherever they are needed.