Arrived
The full moon crested the ridge, as clouds parted, at the end of an amazing evening of music along the French Broad River. I caught glimpses of the total lunar eclipse as I made my way home. An hour and forty-minute drive through the Pisgah National Forest, the rolling hills of Waynesville and finally, toward the Smoky Mountains…where I live, move, and have my being.
That was Sunday night with Grayson Capps and Corky Hughes. Saturday night in Asheville, I witnessed the magic of Will Kimbrough. All three are favorite musicians that are dear to my heart and they live or originated on the Alabama coast. I hadn’t seen them since moving here two and a half years ago. I hadn’t seen any live music during that time because of…you know, the plague.
When I moved from the Gulf Coast, back to the mountains, it had been an insane time of real estate deals falling through at the last moment (my entire house was packed) and then a miraculous deal that pushed everything into ‘go.’ The stress between the two was probably the worst in my life. So when I finally moved, there was a shattering that had taken place.
I realized last night, while surrounded by massive trees and the river and music that echoed from that time to now, that these three friends were bringing back a part of myself that simply hadn’t arrived with the relocation. Will started the delivery on Saturday and Grayson and Corky brought her home.
The other thing I realized last night is how much Nature has opened my heart during these many months spent wading, hiking and communing with rocks, creeks, trees, flowers, and the energies that reside here. Many internal barriers have been laid down as I have expanded and grown clearer, more open.
Thanks to Will, Grayson and Corky for bringing back the part of myself that got left behind on the Gulf Coast. It was time….how wild that they all showed up in the same weekend. I’m so grateful to my soul friends for providing the way.
I arrived home as the eclipse peaked. I think that’s no coincidence.
Trusting the Wind
Last night a song I heard 35 years ago played in the Apple Chill Mix round. It was one of those new age songs that became popular in the 80’s. I haven’t heard it in…well, probably 35 years. It was a foundational song in the leap on to a conscious and intentional spiritual path of healing. As I was listening it felt like a rip occurred within me.
It was like the fabric of who I am was once again ripped open, just like it was those many years ago, and I had all of this unhealed pain surface. Negative opinions about myself formed the basis of the flood of darkness that poured out of me. I reflected on those 35 years and where I thought I’d ‘be’ now. It really wasn’t such a lovely experience.
Where is my work making a difference? How is it supporting me financially? I want to bring beauty and joy and healing to this life experience and help others do that…how can I know if this is even happening?
Rather than go down that rabbit hole too deeply I went into meditation and it took a lot of focus to be able to calm my mind and let go of the negative messages bubbling up within me. An experience happened in the meditation where every animal and person that I have touched in a positive way showed up and ‘told me’ they were there to speak for me. It was quite overwhelming to see the many wild animals, dogs, cats, and people who showed up. I wept. Deeply.
I’ve tried to work a regular job and either I’ve not found the right one or my artistic, spiritual, creative side rebels and refuses to stay in a box. Everything within me goes into stress mode in a job where I’m not using my talents. When I was a state park naturalist it was amazing because I got to use my creativity and had a supervisor that trusted my environmental education expertise. But that was a long time ago.
Then there was the master’s in counseling and various jobs that followed and I have to be honest, I didn’t like that work…people rarely wanted to do the hard work of self-change and expected a magic wand along with their session time. Then I loved being a massage therapist and energy work practitioner…a lot! And I enjoyed teaching massage therapy and Reiki and Polarity Therapy. I felt like I was helping people feel better. And I still might do some energy work for folks once we can safely gather in close quarters.
But the most amazing work I’ve ever done happened from a promise I made to Great Spirit many, many years ago. I said if I ever had the financial means, I would dedicate myself and my life to helping the Earth heal. And 15 years ago I sold property I inherited and kept that promise. I documented the Gulf Oil Spill for a year, produced books and shared passionately about the relationship I have with Nature. I have shared with school children and church and civic groups about my journeys with humpback whales, dolphins, manatees and places like stone circles of England and the amazing western coast of Ireland. Nothing has brought me greater joy. But it hasn’t brought a sustainable income. And the world says I must be a failure if I cannot support myself through my work.
So last night I really felt the questions arise…What have the last 35 years meant? Have I made a difference?
It feels as if I’ve been on a 35 year long journey of clearing out the ineffective parts of my personality, honing the good parts, letting go of so much…shedding who I thought I was over and over again…allowing my life to unravel and unravel and unravel to a point of emptiness. And maybe that’s exactly what needed to happen. If we are empty then we can be filled.
Many, many years ago I stood on a beach and asked why I was doing the hard work of personal healing and the answer came through the purples and oranges of the sunset: The clearer and more open you are, the more able you are to take in beauty. So I continued on the way. And it’s true.
More than anything I want people to know that it’s worth the pain and struggle and effort when we can become clearer within our hearts and minds and thus more able to connect to the amazing Oneness found all around us. With beauty, with Nature.
Those moments where I have gone deeper with Nature…with humpback whales or dolphins, with the stars and moon, the ocean, the mountains…the experience of bliss and nearly unbelievable joy has made all of the hard work worth it. So I’ve written books and taken photographs and created videos and music in an effort to somehow translate this bliss and joy and remind other humans that it is possible.
I don’t know if my work reaches many people but I hope it reaches the ones that need it, long for hope and something to work toward in their healing journeys. A dear friend reminded me today that we never know how many folks we impact so I cast these pearls of experiences to the wind and allow that sacred breath to carry them wherever they are needed.
Stepping Sideways
This morning as I walked along the sacred paths of rock and water and sky, the sun barely peeked through rain clouds. Plop, plop, plop of rain drops added to the ahhhhhhhh flow of the creek as water rushed and swirled over rocks.
I stopped at a beautiful little shelf of rock where water pours into a boiling pool of crystal-clear water. The voice of the water sang a steady flow of ahhhhhhh and I began to sing along….ahhhhhhhh. Then I went up the scale using the same sound and found my heart opening to the water, rocks, trees, sky…salamanders, birds…to all life.
As my walk continued I sang and listened to Nature respond to the sounds moving up from my being. I felt a part of everything around me as Oneness expanded in my being.
At some point in the bath of Nature sounds, a question began to form. Why don’t you just step sideways out of the polarity, out of choosing sides, away from the madness. What would that be like?
Continuing the walk I allowed the question to bubble in my mind, in my heart, like the water rushing over rocks into pools of water. Flowing with the idea, my body relaxed and my mind felt relieved. How amazing to step out of the chaos, to give up the intense energy of being caught in polarizing forces and step to the side, as if stepping into a large crack in a mountain.
It wouldn’t mean giving up my ethical values or denouncing my citizenship. It wouldn’t mean I stopped caring about what happens in this country, in the world. It would mean removing myself from the insanity of polarizing forces that are ripping not only this country, but many countries apart. And of course every person.
I was reminded of the story of the Tuatha de Danaan, an ancient race in Ireland, who at some point in their existence were said to have simply disappeared into a subterranean or hidden existence. Maybe they stepped sideways out of a warring world.
Energetically, if we step out of conflict and remove our energy given to one ‘side’ or the other, we stop adding to that strong polarity and begin to empower ourselves by not giving energy to conflict. It’s not that we give up or remove our concern and caring, it’s that we just step out of conflict. As I walked and played with this idea it felt like entering another dimension.
Recently I have commented to friends that it seems we are polarized into two dimensions. Neither ‘side’ can see the other’s point of view and in fact both ‘sides’ believe the others to be destructive to the country. There’s something unusual about the intensity of that vast gulf between the two ‘sides.’ So what if some of us step sideways, out of conflict, out of that energy of blame and exist in a realm of peace.
“There comes a shift in perception, when one’s closest allies are the invisible forces of Nature. Where does reality begin and end? What is actual and what is reflection?” Colette O’Neill wrote this and raises questions to ponder…I simply want to know what happens if I step sideways out of world of conflict. I’ll let you know….
Maybe.
Being an Instrument
I stood within the ancient fort atop a 700 foot cliff on the Atlantic Ocean. Metal pipes, drilled with holes for chain-link fencing, lined a small area of the site. A strong wind coming across the ocean caused the pipes to sing in otherworldly harmonies. As the strange sounds filled the air I thought, If we can be open and surrender, be still and silent, the energies of the Universe can then move through us and use us in beautiful ways.
The thunderous roar of the sea pounding on to rock walls reverberated in my heart like a drum and opened the inner door wide. As I walked around the 3000 year old fortification, all of my walls crumbled and I became an open channel for Spirit to move through–a flute for the winds of heaven to play and bring forth beautiful music to the world.
I remembered this experience from Ireland after a dream I had a few days ago. In the dream, I was a stringed instrument and a bow was drawn across me. I felt the vibrations within me, the deep tones and movement of sound throughout my body. The same reminder I received during my experience in Ireland came–be still and open and allow myself to be an instrument.
The past few years have been incredibly frustrating. In previous years I have produced videos, photographs, books…all good…but I feel that deeper work is yet to come and is yet unknown. So I wait and listen and try to be patient. The world is hurting so much and I know that I have contributions to make…but how?
I keep wondering–What is my purpose? Why am I here?What am I to do? Perhaps those existential questions are lifelong puzzles that haunt some of us. The answer I have received for many, many years is to deepen with Nature. And still…those same questions repeat, perhaps so much so that what I search for is hidden beneath the chatter of my mind.
Why is it so difficult to be at peace in that unyielding space of the Unknown?
All I know to do is to lean into the Invisible and be still and silent and listen…and call upon the strength of purpose that came with me to this life…and go outside and connect with Nature.
If we are the instrument we were born to be and are open to being played by the energies of the Universe, we powerfully stand in the space where our gifts and talents meet the needs of the world and that is a place of pure magic.
To learn about my books or purchase them please click here.