Starry Awe
In the darkness, the branches of bare trees were illuminated by stars, twinkling and sparkling in the clear sky. Overhead, meteors flashed, some with long tails of sparkling cosmic dust making my squeals echo down the mountain, across the creek, and up the other side.
I looked at 9pm last night, but they were not active yet. So in the pre-dawn chill, I dressed warmly and stood under clear skies watching, waiting and then screaming in awe.
What is it about standing beneath stars? Maybe knowing these are the same constellations our ancestors, from thousands of years ago, stood under or that our loved ones, from thousands of miles away, might be standing under right now.
It always brings perspective to stand beneath the sky and witness beauty so profound the only way to verbalize it is through whoops and hollers that echo across the mountains. Gratitude fills me as I type these words with fingers still chilled from the freezing air.
Eggshells
Have you ever realized a line has been crossed, within you, that you didn’t even know existed? But when you felt that boundary violation, something within you stood up and said calmly and definitively, That’s it! I am done.
It seems we put up with and overlook the many times we experience situations that cause us emotional stress or even harm because we expect the other person will heal their wounds, work on their issues…I mean, they’re such a nice, good, smart, human being. So why allow that one time to negatively impact your relationship with them?
But it’s never one time. It’s a cycle of emotional aggression that you willingly participate in until you finally feel the inner line that was crossed and it’s done. You’re no longer willing to walk on eggshells. No longer willing to excuse the person’s bad behavior even though they really are a good person. You reach a turning point. You awaken from the hypnotic trance of three years, ten years, twenty, thirty. No matter how long it took you, you woke up. And then you forgot. And then another person comes along and the cycle happens again and then you wake up again. And so it goes.
When that inner line was recently crossed for me, I stood up and said aloud, “That’s it! No more!” It felt way too familiar and I promised myself I’d never allow myself to be in any sort of relationship where I have to walk on eggshells.
Walking on eggshells is a way we de-value ourselves. If I’m only submissive enough, or say the right thing, or don’t say the wrong thing, or do this, or don’t do that….if I’m quiet enough, hide enough, refuse to be myself so the other doesn’t lash out. How we dishonor ourselves to put ourselves through that…whether it’s love relationships, work relationships, relationships with our children, friends….what a high cost to pay to have to tread so lightly that you energetically or literally hide to avoid harsh, angry, abusive energy from another.
It’s been over thirteen years since I consciously walked on eggshells. It felt so freeing when I walked away from that chosen behavior (and yes, it is a choice). How surprising today to feel the power within me arise and say NO MORE! Again. Nearly three years of walking on eggshells came to an end today. Again, I feel free and supportive of myself. Empowered. But I don’t want to do it again. Why is that a pattern within me?
The best answer I can find is it’s a fear response and wanting to be accepted for various reasons. Not wanting to rock the proverbial boat, keep the peace at any cost….and it’s a very high cost to restrict yourself to tiptoeing emotionally and energetically so you don’t have to endure the wrath, judgment, or other negative emotional energy of someone else. I’ve worked hard to clear out old emotional wounds and yet they cycle back around for another, deeper level of healing. It didn’t take nearly as long to realize the pattern was repeating this time, but it still surprised me when that strong woman within pushed back the chair, stood up, and spoke truth.
We may not be consciously aware of these boundary violations, but if we pay attention, we notice that something feels off within ourselves. We avoid the person, we feel free when we don’t have to interact with them, we feel safe when we are not around them and nervous or anxious when we have to be around them. And while the other person is being abusive, so no excusing them, it is up to us to stand up and say, “No more! This ends now.” We grow stronger as we take responsibility of our own life and practice compassionate self-care every single day.
Energetic patterns within us can be sneaky. They can be actively impacting our lives without our conscious knowledge. One way to identify them is to simply track the emotional energy within, pay attention to self-talk, and notice how our body feels. Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention.
I feel like a graduated to another level with this ‘new again’ awareness. I feel free even though I don’t know the next step. But whatever it is, it will be with my compassion and support that I move forward into a welcoming doorway.
It is never okay to be de-valued, unappreciated, judged harshly, treated with disrespect. Ever. May we rise up with compassion and love to extricate ourselves from all relationships that bring such negative experiences into our lives. We are worthy of respect, love, appreciation. And it starts with how we treat ourselves.
What Lights Up Your Life?
One of my friends commented the other day that our lives are about service. I’ve always thought that about my life; however, I’m certain not everyone feels that way. We each have our own thoughts and beliefs about what this time–we call a lifetime–means. Some might feel there is no meaning, we’re just here to exist in a body and then…poof! Others might feel the need to persuade others to their own belief about what life is about. We’re each entitled to our own belief about it but what gives us joy is an indicator that we’re doing something right.
I’ve recently become a volunteer with Casting Carolinas, a non-profit that provides comprehensive support and fly fishing retreats for women surviving cancer. A couple weeks ago I volunteered as a river helper at their autumn retreat and this past weekend I volunteered at their big fund-raiser, Tie One On Fly Fishing Tournament, in Cherokee. I was a river helper and judge in the tournament. I’m not sure I’ve felt that much joy in a long time. Here’s why.
First, I was paired with a team called The Tangled Tippets. It was 42 degrees with frosty air and a water temp of 55 degrees. That didn’t stop us from having beautiful laughter that echoed up the river. At one point, an elk mom and baby passed by us and in the distance we heard a male bugling, calling to his gals perhaps or warning the other males to stay away…not sure…but the magic was incredible as were the fish caught and released. The woman I was assisting said seeing the elk mom and baby was even better than catching a fish.
Then, in the second round, another woman and I were judges for two 13 year old guys…their team name was The Dogs. Susie and I watched and hoped they would catch fish. Who wouldn’t? But the 2 ½ hours ticked by and no luck. I was time-keeper and gave them the 5 minute warning….Come on!!! Catch a fish!! I was watching the timer and it got down to 28 seconds and one of the young men hooked a big trout! DUDE!!!! He landed it and we measured it…20 inches!!! A pig!! We went crazy! I know hikers walking by thought we had lost our minds. We didn’t care.
Here’s the deal…that joy came from helping others. To encourage people to have fun, to learn new skills…in a beautiful outdoor setting. That’s it. That’s pure joy for me. Call it service, purpose, whatever you want. If what I’m doing brings me joy, then something is going right in my life. That’s my life’s ‘work.’
What brings you joy? What lights up your life?
Wading in Autumn Light
Golden waters move
Over rocks and roots and time
Through depths of my soul