Tag: healing
One Step at a Time

One Step at a Time

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Often, when we experience trauma and high stress, we go into a self-created cocoon. We withdraw from distractions, interactions, conversations because it’s just too much. It’s our way of assisting our nervous system in processing the event/s. 

After the late September flood to our area, I found myself withdrawing energetically. I checked on friends, volunteered to help, but energetically I was weaving around myself a safe space. The first hike I did to Kuwohi was so weird. There were many people there and I felt raw, too raw, to even make eye contact. When I entered the spruce and fir forest, I felt myself begin to open. In that gentle, yet powerful, energy of the upper-elevation forest, I could expand and breathe easier.

Only weeks after the flood did such devastating damage, the election here in the US re-traumatized so many of us. We were shocked that the state voted blue except for the office of president. How could that be? How could anyone vote for a convicted felon with an open agenda of hate and deconstruction of the government for the benefit of the super-wealthy? 

I felt myself withdrawing again, creating a safe space energetically to regain balance and grounding. Most of the time, I work remotely so I could focus on quarterly reports that I compile and work without having to go into the university, although I’m guessing many of my co-workers were also struggling with shock and grief. Even in this extreme emotional upheaval, I felt Nature calling me. 

My dogs are my best friends and I felt a push to walk with them on the half-mile gravel driveway where we live. I decided to make a promise to them and myself that I would commit to the walk every day. So, my two friends and I started walking together again.  

I say again because I stopped walking them due to the steepness of the road. That doesn’t bother me as I hike steep trails; however, with a bulldozer of 75 pounds pulling and another squirrel-reactive 45-pound strong boy, it can get dicey on the steep, gravel road.

We’ve been walking and other than one day, when they almost pulled me off the side of the mountain due to an enticing smell, it’s been good for us. I’ve done a couple of late afternoon walks at the national park, and that’s helped me expand my energy again as I wander among the trees and creeks. Tomorrow I’m volunteering as a fly fishing guide for teenage girls from the Cherokee Schools. 

Slowly, I’m finding my way back into interactions and conversations and larger places in which to connect with Nature. I’m excited to spend time with other women and girls tomorrow who love Nature. And maybe Sunday, I will find my way to one of my favorite trails to do a bigger hike. I’m making my way back, one step at a time.

Remember to practice good self-care when going through challenging times. Listen to your body, listen to your emotions. Take the time and create the space you need to heal. See if Nature might be a powerful ally for you in your process of coming back to balance.
I Wept This Morning

I Wept This Morning

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My feet were wet with dew and covered in dirt. I got out early, before the heat, to pick blueberries. The tufted titmouse fussed at me, but I promised to leave plenty for her family. 

As I contorted myself under the graceful, loaded branches, I whispered words of gratitude. Not just for the delicious berries, but for the hour spent among their branches, feet grounded, present with abundance and nutrition and beauty. I am in awe of how the bushes have ripened their berries in stages, providing non-stop giving for weeks now. 

After picking berries, I went inside. The kitchen counter held my hands as tears rolled down my face. How can this be our country? How can we be at risk of losing our freedoms….to love who we love, to have public lands for all life to en-joy, to have clean water and air, to have true freedom of religion/spirituality, to receive the money we paid into our government retirement accounts all our lives when we come of age, to make decisions about our own lives and bodies. I felt the weight of all of this and much more and felt a moment of panic. I thought: What if we, as a country, go down the dark road that is being offered?

I pondered the turning point at which we find ourselves as tears flowed. There is nothing to be gained from arguing or standing off against our neighbors who think differently than us. That only strengthens those who wish to divide us, as a means to receive votes, to gain more power, more money. The only way through this insanity is to lay down our weapons of hate, aggression, judgment, and cultivate love in our own hearts. Not forcing anyone else to do so, but traveling so deeply into our own hearts that we root out the very things we see in others and are against yet reside buried within ourselves.

And, of course, vote and support those who align most with our values. 

I want to explore my own heart and breathe into it to cleanse it, heal it of the negativity that I erect as a wall to protect against those that I think of as my enemy. It’s not easy when I feel threatened. When I feel fear. It’s what I can do in this moment, to support my personal journey through the collective experiences happening.

We have an opportunity for massive healing in our country by turning our attention to the wounds within that keep us stuck in fear: hate, anger, aggression, judgment. Not from pointing fingers at anyone who disagrees with us, but by journeying into our heart and cultivating love. 

A flower growing amidst the blueberry bushes also brings such joy

My choice is to turn the light on my heart, to heal and support myself. It will keep me from staying in panic mode or endlessly spiraling from a feeling of powerlessness. I have the power to heal my heart, to love and work very hard to let nothing and nobody cause me to create or cultivate hate or violence–of words, thoughts, actions.

Nobody can take away my ability or capacity to love. 

Amidst the insanity of fighting, finger-pointing, violence in our country, my time with the blueberry bushes continues to be a time of healing, of receiving. A time of cultivating love.
Arrived

Arrived

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The full moon crested the ridge, as clouds parted, at the end of an amazing evening of music along the French Broad River. I caught glimpses of the total lunar eclipse as I made my way home. An hour and forty-minute drive through the Pisgah National Forest, the rolling hills of Waynesville and finally, toward the Smoky Mountains…where I live, move, and have my being.

That was Sunday night with Grayson Capps and Corky Hughes. Saturday night in Asheville, I witnessed the magic of Will Kimbrough. All three are favorite musicians that are dear to my heart and they live or originated on the Alabama coast. I hadn’t seen them since moving here two and a half years ago. I hadn’t seen any live music during that time because of…you know, the plague.

When I moved from the Gulf Coast, back to the mountains, it had been an insane time of real estate deals falling through at the last moment (my entire house was packed) and then a miraculous deal that pushed everything into ‘go.’ The stress between the two was probably the worst in my life. So when I finally moved, there was a shattering that had taken place.

I realized last night, while surrounded by massive trees and the river and music that echoed from that time to now, that these three friends were bringing back a part of myself that simply hadn’t arrived with the relocation. Will started the delivery on Saturday and Grayson and Corky brought her home.

The other thing I realized last night is how much Nature has opened my heart during these many months spent wading, hiking and communing with rocks, creeks, trees, flowers, and the energies that reside here. Many internal barriers have been laid down as I have expanded and grown clearer, more open.

Thanks to Will, Grayson and Corky for bringing back the part of myself that got left behind on the Gulf Coast. It was time….how wild that they all showed up in the same weekend. I’m so grateful to my soul friends for providing the way.

I arrived home as the eclipse peaked. I think that’s no coincidence.
Trusting the Wind

Trusting the Wind

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Last night a song I heard 35 years ago played in the Apple Chill Mix round. It was one of those new age songs that became popular in the 80’s. I haven’t heard it in…well, probably 35 years. It was a foundational song in the leap on to a conscious and intentional spiritual path of healing. As I was listening it felt like a rip occurred within me.

It was like the fabric of who I am was once again ripped open, just like it was those many years ago, and I had all of this unhealed pain surface. Negative opinions about myself formed the basis of the flood of darkness that poured out of me. I reflected on those 35 years and where I thought I’d ‘be’ now. It really wasn’t such a lovely experience.

Where is my work making a difference? How is it supporting me financially? I want to bring beauty and joy and healing to this life experience and help others do that…how can I know if this is even happening?

Rather than go down that rabbit hole too deeply I went into meditation and it took a lot of focus to be able to calm my mind and let go of the negative messages bubbling up within me. An experience happened in the meditation where every animal and person that I have touched in a positive way showed up and ‘told me’ they were there to speak for me. It was quite overwhelming to see the many wild animals, dogs, cats, and people who showed up. I wept. Deeply.

I’ve tried to work a regular job and either I’ve not found the right one or my artistic, spiritual, creative side rebels and refuses to stay in a box. Everything within me goes into stress mode in a job where I’m not using my talents. When I was a state park naturalist it was amazing because I got to use my creativity and had a supervisor that trusted my environmental education expertise. But that was a long time ago.

Then there was the master’s in counseling and various jobs that followed and I have to be honest, I didn’t like that work…people rarely wanted to do the hard work of self-change and expected a magic wand along with their session time. Then I loved being a massage therapist and energy work practitioner…a lot! And I enjoyed teaching massage therapy and Reiki and Polarity Therapy. I felt like I was helping people feel better. And I still might do some energy work for folks once we can safely gather in close quarters.

But the most amazing work I’ve ever done happened from a promise I made to Great Spirit many, many years ago. I said if I ever had the financial means, I would dedicate myself and my life to helping the Earth heal. And 15 years ago I sold property I inherited and kept that promise. I documented the Gulf Oil Spill for a year, produced books and shared passionately about the relationship I have with Nature. I have shared with school children and church and civic groups about my journeys with humpback whales, dolphins, manatees and places like stone circles of England and the amazing western coast of Ireland. Nothing has brought me greater joy. But it hasn’t brought a sustainable income. And the world says I must be a failure if I cannot support myself through my work.

So last night I really felt the questions arise…What have the last 35 years meant? Have I made a difference?

It feels as if I’ve been on a 35 year long journey of clearing out the ineffective parts of my personality, honing the good parts, letting go of so much…shedding who I thought I was over and over again…allowing my life to unravel and unravel and unravel to a point of emptiness. And maybe that’s exactly what needed to happen. If we are empty then we can be filled.

Many, many years ago I stood on a beach and asked why I was doing the hard work of personal healing and the answer came through the purples and oranges of the sunset: The clearer and more open you are, the more able you are to take in beauty. So I continued on the way. And it’s true.

More than anything I want people to know that it’s worth the pain and struggle and effort when we can become clearer within our hearts and minds and thus more able to connect to the amazing Oneness found all around us. With beauty, with Nature.

Those moments where I have gone deeper with Nature…with humpback whales or dolphins, with the stars and moon, the ocean, the mountains…the experience of bliss and nearly unbelievable joy has made all of the hard work worth it. So I’ve written books and taken photographs and created videos and music in an effort to somehow translate this bliss and joy and remind other humans that it is possible.

I don’t know if my work reaches many people but I hope it reaches the ones that need it, long for hope and something to work toward in their healing journeys. A dear friend reminded me today that we never know how many folks we impact so I cast these pearls of experiences to the wind and allow that sacred breath to carry them wherever they are needed.