When You Wish
“Each of us has a dream, a heart’s desire that calls to us. And when we’re brave enough to listen and bold enough to pursue, that dream will lead us on a journey to discover who we are. All we have to do is look inside our hearts and unlock the magic within.”*
I was sitting in the Tiki Birds attraction with my daughter, granddaughter, and son-in-law. The same exact birds with their mechanical sounds and movements that I saw when I was a kid…decades ago. As I watched, I had a flashback of hearing rain and sitting in the room with my mother, dad, and brother back in the 1970’s. I don’t have many actual memories of my father when he was still alive. He died in 1981 after a long illness so having that memory was very special. And then, the program concluded with the sound of intense rain and I knew the memory was true and that our family had come back to life in that Tiki Bird show, if only for a few moments.
The last time I was at Disney World, I was celebrating my 30th birthday and my daughter was five. Now, she’s in her 30’s and her daughter is four. Experiencing it through my granddaughter’s heart opened a doorway for me to remember…to embrace my imagination, my child self.
The short time we were there, we claimed every moment of magic we could. My tech savvy daughter and son-in-law kept us moving from princesses to roller coasters to shows in a seemingly endless parade of fun. One day over eight miles walking…the next day over eleven miles of walking and opening to the creative genius of the Imagineers.
I’d forgotten what a roller coaster junkie I am and the two new ones, Tron and Guardians of the Galaxy, were epic. And new, mega-famous princesses and stories and attractions related to the new characters were top rate in regard to animation, presentation, and WOW factor.
Many Disney World attractions have changed over the decades since I visited; however, a few remain the same. And that familiarity opened the door to a treasured memory from my own childhood while I created new ones with Emily, Max, and Kevin.
Even though I returned home utterly exhausted, I feel a deep sense of renewal and opening, of looking within and listening to my heart so the magic within can be unlocked once more.
*Introduction to Disney World fireworks presentation each night.
What is Holistic Fly Fishing?
Starry Awe
In the darkness, the branches of bare trees were illuminated by stars, twinkling and sparkling in the clear sky. Overhead, meteors flashed, some with long tails of sparkling cosmic dust making my squeals echo down the mountain, across the creek, and up the other side.
I looked at 9pm last night, but they were not active yet. So in the pre-dawn chill, I dressed warmly and stood under clear skies watching, waiting and then screaming in awe.
What is it about standing beneath stars? Maybe knowing these are the same constellations our ancestors, from thousands of years ago, stood under or that our loved ones, from thousands of miles away, might be standing under right now.
It always brings perspective to stand beneath the sky and witness beauty so profound the only way to verbalize it is through whoops and hollers that echo across the mountains. Gratitude fills me as I type these words with fingers still chilled from the freezing air.
Eggshells
Have you ever realized a line has been crossed, within you, that you didn’t even know existed? But when you felt that boundary violation, something within you stood up and said calmly and definitively, That’s it! I am done.
It seems we put up with and overlook the many times we experience situations that cause us emotional stress or even harm because we expect the other person will heal their wounds, work on their issues…I mean, they’re such a nice, good, smart, human being. So why allow that one time to negatively impact your relationship with them?
But it’s never one time. It’s a cycle of emotional aggression that you willingly participate in until you finally feel the inner line that was crossed and it’s done. You’re no longer willing to walk on eggshells. No longer willing to excuse the person’s bad behavior even though they really are a good person. You reach a turning point. You awaken from the hypnotic trance of three years, ten years, twenty, thirty. No matter how long it took you, you woke up. And then you forgot. And then another person comes along and the cycle happens again and then you wake up again. And so it goes.
When that inner line was recently crossed for me, I stood up and said aloud, “That’s it! No more!” It felt way too familiar and I promised myself I’d never allow myself to be in any sort of relationship where I have to walk on eggshells.
Walking on eggshells is a way we de-value ourselves. If I’m only submissive enough, or say the right thing, or don’t say the wrong thing, or do this, or don’t do that….if I’m quiet enough, hide enough, refuse to be myself so the other doesn’t lash out. How we dishonor ourselves to put ourselves through that…whether it’s love relationships, work relationships, relationships with our children, friends….what a high cost to pay to have to tread so lightly that you energetically or literally hide to avoid harsh, angry, abusive energy from another.
It’s been over thirteen years since I consciously walked on eggshells. It felt so freeing when I walked away from that chosen behavior (and yes, it is a choice). How surprising today to feel the power within me arise and say NO MORE! Again. Nearly three years of walking on eggshells came to an end today. Again, I feel free and supportive of myself. Empowered. But I don’t want to do it again. Why is that a pattern within me?
The best answer I can find is it’s a fear response and wanting to be accepted for various reasons. Not wanting to rock the proverbial boat, keep the peace at any cost….and it’s a very high cost to restrict yourself to tiptoeing emotionally and energetically so you don’t have to endure the wrath, judgment, or other negative emotional energy of someone else. I’ve worked hard to clear out old emotional wounds and yet they cycle back around for another, deeper level of healing. It didn’t take nearly as long to realize the pattern was repeating this time, but it still surprised me when that strong woman within pushed back the chair, stood up, and spoke truth.
We may not be consciously aware of these boundary violations, but if we pay attention, we notice that something feels off within ourselves. We avoid the person, we feel free when we don’t have to interact with them, we feel safe when we are not around them and nervous or anxious when we have to be around them. And while the other person is being abusive, so no excusing them, it is up to us to stand up and say, “No more! This ends now.” We grow stronger as we take responsibility of our own life and practice compassionate self-care every single day.
Energetic patterns within us can be sneaky. They can be actively impacting our lives without our conscious knowledge. One way to identify them is to simply track the emotional energy within, pay attention to self-talk, and notice how our body feels. Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention.
I feel like a graduated to another level with this ‘new again’ awareness. I feel free even though I don’t know the next step. But whatever it is, it will be with my compassion and support that I move forward into a welcoming doorway.
It is never okay to be de-valued, unappreciated, judged harshly, treated with disrespect. Ever. May we rise up with compassion and love to extricate ourselves from all relationships that bring such negative experiences into our lives. We are worthy of respect, love, appreciation. And it starts with how we treat ourselves.