Tag: Personal Growth

Engaging in Transformation

Engaging in Transformation

We are shifting. Consciousness is evolving. We are witnessing the breakdown of the old way of fear so that we can live from our hearts. Those that are wanting to amass more power and wealth are doing everything they can to create more for themselves. What they don’t realize is that the chaos they are creating is causing a massive awakening. And it’s scary.

Transforming the self takes hard work and the level of transformation we are going through is deep and powerful. Fears arise. Deeply rooted fears arise. The scariest things we’ve ever imagined began to stand beside us as we tremble. And yet, the way through this time is to dive deep into the shadows within ourselves, for in those shadows are found our most incredible gifts. Our inner treasures are hidden in those dark shadows. The question is, who is willing to journey there?

It comes in waves for me and I was doing pretty good by staying off social media (I don’t watch the news). Then there was a fire near my home…a big one…and I used social media to stay informed. Then I got back in the habit of scrolling. And this evening, I got triggered. 

You see, I work on a federal grant. The government does not fund the grant, though. Nursing homes that are fined for violations fund this grant and many others. Last week all applications for new grants funded thusly were frozen as well as extensions on current grants…which we were about to apply for. This program is funded by nursing homes for nursing home residents, to improve their quality of life. So, not a waste of money or funded by the federal government. It’s one of those programs that support our elders who are suffering in their later years. 

The post that triggered me listed more agencies and programs that are being gutted…service programs for the less fortunate. And fear arose.

So, I went outside and stood on the ground with bare feet and placed my hands on the bare earth and felt my feelings. And breathed. And asked for help.

My life has been about service…state park naturalist, mental health counselor, massage therapist, nature photographer and writer. And now, project coordinator for a nursing home grant. I’ve volunteered to help sea turtles, dolphins, manatees…have worked with children in environmental education and with children and adults as a fly fishing guide volunteer. I’ve picked up litter on beaches and along roads, and currently volunteer with the national park nearby. Most of the books I’ve created and published I’ve shared profits with environmental groups. It hasn’t been about amassing a fortune. It has and will always be about wanting to help others…people, animals, places.

My life has been focused on empathy. Something the current administration says is a weakness, a flaw. If this is so, I am horribly and magnificently flawed.

As I knelt under the new moon, I spoke out loud about my gifts and talents and my desire to serve and help in the massive awakening occurring on our beloved planet. I don’t know if my job will continue or if tomorrow, I’ll be without income. But I do know I came here to serve and share beauty, kindness, and compassion. And I will continue doing that, no matter what.

I’m engaging deeply in my own transformation and I’m here to help others who wish to engage with theirs. Reach out. You are not alone.

Choices

Choices

Yesterday the entire day was spent moving furniture down stairs and up stairs. I moved a queen sized bed and natural latex mattress that is like a 200 pound gorilla made of Jello. Books, chairs, musical instruments…I finally sent out a call for assistance with the dresser and electronic piano. Thankfully my neighbors braved the chaos and helped with those items. God bless good neighbors.

It all started when I moved into the house. It’s a quirkily designed little mountain home that I love. But when I moved in, I had been on the road 9 hours after a few hours sleep with a dog and three cats and movers with a 26 foot packed-to-the-max truck. The wired money hadn’t arrived at my seller’s attorney’s office so I had to rent for three nights and in theory not move any furniture out. Yes…it was fully furnished with older vacation cabin ‘stuff’ so it was almost all going somewhere else. But for that night—that drizzly night—it was going to the basement or the porch. It was the most stressful move ever…which included having to pay my movers extra to move all the furniture to these spaces so my truckload could come into the house.

It has a loft, a small main floor and a finished basement. I had no ability to think about much with the cluster of chaos, so quickly made the decision to put my bedroom in the loft…along with my office furniture. For 18 months I’ve had this expansive, open bedroom susceptible to bright moons, rude cats, heavy rain on the metal roof and stairs to navigate should the need to pee arise. Many times I’ve thought I would like to move my bedroom to the main floor bedroom but it seemed small. So…I lived with my clothes split between two floors and my life feeling split. 

Finally, I decided that I would make the move downstairs after Tawanda cat kept waking me up at 4am every morning. Enough. So yesterday morning after breakfast I started and turned my house upside down and inside out in a very short time. 

I’m strong enough to handle nightstands, head and foot boards, chairs, huge crystal bowls, gongs, books and even that silly mattress that sleeps great but is truly dead weight and nearly impossible to deal with but somehow I managed all that with well-thought out and slow movements. And my neighbors helped with the two things I couldn’t handle. 

I finished the bedroom last night and the loft this morning…which is now my yoga studio, recording studio and office. Everything makes sense now.

I write this because sometimes we fail to see options clearly. When I moved in I didn’t think I had a choice regarding my bedroom. Now, it’s the most beautiful, cozy place that feels like a peaceful cocoon. And having all of my creative/work space together makes so much sense energetically.

We limit ourselves when we fail to realize that every decision is a choice. Even the decisions we don’t make. There is always choice, even when we think there isn’t. I spent a year and a half in an uncomfortable sleeping/working environment because I didn’t allow myself to see other options. Lesson learned. 

And while I didn’t get outside to enjoy the day, I did get 5.34 miles walking inside my home and 90 floors of stairs. I now have room for a student or two for yoga, a gathering place for women’s groups and an integrated space for creative work and play. And a blessed, amazing bedroom where I can close myself off from the demands of three cats and two dogs and not have to navigate stairs in the middle of the night.

All along I had this choice but thought I didn’t. I wonder what else I have ruled out because I didn’t think I had other options….what about you? 

What if…we save ourselves

What if…we save ourselves

What if the Second Coming is within our own hearts. What if the trumpets we hear awaken us to do the work of the heart. What if the master Jesus gave us everything we needed to awaken consciously and now it’s up to us to awaken to those teachings of compassion and love. 

I suspect as a race of beings we have gone as far down as we can go in the evolution of consciousness and there is no need to list our faults. Look around. See the destruction, lack of empathy, lack of compassion and greed and desire for more material ‘things’ at any cost. 

Yet….we also have an amazing capacity for selfless action, love, care, compassion. So we know absolutely it is within our reach to embody what was taught by the master Jesus.

No president or government will save us. The change we seek is deep within each of us. No exception. It is time to stop screaming and pointing fingers and do the hard work of self-transformation….that is if we actually want to change.

It’s time to put our egos on the altar of sacrifice, to release judgment of others and embody the change we wish to know in our communities, in our nation.

We were given the keys to the kingdom. Let us not squander that amazing gift.

What if we save ourselves.

It’s the Little Things….

It’s the Little Things….

800_1019I wasn’t really sure why the idea of a retreat to the Smoky Mountains came to me. I had been in a pretty weird place the past few months with no ability to focus on work. It felt as if I was lost in a big ocean with no rudder, wind or navigation aids. Frustration was building so I decided to take the month of August to do anything I wanted to do, even if it was doing nothing at all.

Doing is my trademark, it’s how people know me. Volunteering for one of several causes, preparing environmental education programs…always, always staying busy. But I had reached a point where I didn’t really know where to apply my energies. Nothing felt right except stillness, quiet….silence–not doing.

800_0234It was not easy untangling myself from the habit of busyness. I didn’t realize how much I used activity to distract myself. So at first…and honestly, the entire month….I really felt lost. Having removed the need to stay busy I struggled.

About the same time I took off a month from pushing myself to do something…to keep my mind busy…I began working out and putting my body into an intense series of classes, Pure Barre. The physical workouts were instrumental in shifting the stuck energy and the result was a clearer focus.

800_0019A little over a week ago I finally felt it was time to move forward and a short retreat in the Smoky Mountains was the idea that surfaced. I’m usually more of a planner but I wanted to be open to the flow. I packed my camera gear and clothes I’d need for woods and water and made reservations in a hotel in Townsend…the quiet side of the Smokies…far away from the chaos of Pigeon Forge or Gatlinburg…and very close to Cades Cove, one of a few of my most favorite places on the planet.

800_1790Somewhere in the few days of simply following my intuition and opening to the experience of not knowing or planning, some really amazing experiences occurred. And sometime Friday morning, along a narrow road while covered in dew and kissed by fog-filtered sunlight, I had a breakthrough that opened me. But it didn’t come from any prescribed path or formula…it came from simply being present with whatever presented itself and letting go of everything else. I lost myself in beauty…surrendered to it.

800_1578I was feeling glorious about the sunrise Friday morning and fog and light and flowers but it was hundreds of small spider webs that blanketed the grass and glowed with dew illuminated like diamonds that pulled me free. I stopped and gazed into endless sparkling works of spiders and started weeping. Life felt so full and so precious. Everything felt intensely sacred and holy. It seems like such a small thing to create such a huge inner shift.

The past few months have felt like my life was going through a shake-down. The real stuff was being separated  from the husks and now I have some really beautiful little seeds to nurture. And a lot of my busy work I’ll be letting go of…including some volunteer efforts and work I thought I “should” do.

800_1408I suppose anything can help us open if we are ready. For me, though, it always seems to be the little things that push me over the edge into complete surrender, complete trust and therefore utter peace and contentment. With gratitude I complete this retreat and return to my everyday life with a vision.