Rushing Water Singing
A Mary Oliver poem recently reminded me of my inner child’s love of rushing water. I was going to write about it and then let it slide until I saw the same poem again, posted on a social media post. My cue to explore this reminder cannot be ignored.
“What can I say that I have not said before? So I’ll say it again. The leaf has a song in it.” She then reminds us through her poem to take our busy hearts to the forest. “The song you heard singing in the leaf when you were a child is singing still.”
What made my heart sing as a child? I always wanted to go to the mountains for family vacation and never wanted to leave. The sound of clear, running water over mossy rocks was music to me as was the entire range of mountains and valleys. It was as if the spiritual world came alive to me in the sacred Appalachian Mountains.
So after a couple years in the second Saturn return, I find myself anxiously and longingly anticipating the return to those mountains to live. Saturn returns are generally ages 27-31, 56-60 and 84-90. The first is when a person leaves youth behind, the second is coming into maturity and the third is the final one when a person enters ‘wise’ old age.
Saturn return….just the thought of it can make some cringe. Western astrologers think of these times as major thresholds before moving into the next phase of life. It can mark major upheavals and major life-changes. But some of the greatest leaps and transformations come from the most challenging times.
Saturn Returns….letting go of anything that no longer serves us, pressure to step up to challenges. Our passage determines the next stage of life. During the middle ‘return’ it’s like a check-up to see how we’ve progressed since we became adults. Common questions we might ask ourselves include: Am I loving myself and others unconditionally? Am I facing my fears? And I taking care of myself? Am I allowing my passion to shine? Have I chosen friends that love and support me? Am I true to my soul’s calling?
What I’m finding during this rather intense ‘return’ is a greater call to listen to my heart and be true to the path that calls me…the deeper spiritual path. I am more conscious of clearing the energetic gunk that comes through technology so I’ve recently stopped streaming television, the last bit of TV I allowed into my home. I’m also aware of the negative energy in politics and social media and am limiting my time with both. Fears are intense during this time so I’m working very hard to listen but to not allow them to control me. Mostly I am evaluating my work…although I just typed ‘worth’ which I thought was a mistake….obviously the truth came through my fingers. So yes, I’m evaluating my self-worth, too.
What gifts did I bring with me to this life and what others have I developed since incarnating. Mostly I want to let go of things that no longer serve me. I am going through every box I packed almost a year ago and am evaluating the contents as a way to let go of more ‘stuff’ both physically and symbolically. What no longer serves me I happily release.
Selling my home has been a long process, but then so is the path of transformation. A younger friend of mine recently posted on social media that he was beginning to excavate his fears and things that kept him small. That’s probably a result of that stern task-master Saturn on his first ‘return.’ I’ve spent decades unearthing the yuck of societal conditioning and feel I have just cleared the foundations so I can begin to rebuild.
As the Borg said in Star Trek, “Resistance is futile.” The more we fight it, the harder we make it for ourselves. So here, Universe. Take this and this….and this, too. Oh, no…I didn’t want to keep that. Please, by all means, take that too…I say with a bit of sarcasm.
I want to simplify my life by selling my home, downsizing and living in a small home surrounded by woods in the mountains. I have my eyes on just such a place…now if my home will sell I can finally move forward.
But the timing isn’t up to me–a stern reminder that it is through letting go that movement happens. No grasping…only releasing.
A David Wilcox song comes to mind… “This is where I played as a baby, this is where I ran as a child. This is where my dad took the last breath he had and smiled….I guess I’m wondering where this place is trying to take me, overnight, if I never did resist. What strange breezes make a sailor want to come to this. With lines untied, slipping though my fist.”
Nearly two years ago I shared with a retreat group in Ireland that I was at a Threshold. Never in my wildest dreams would I believe I would still here at the Threshold, awaiting passage. But now I understand it a little more clearly. It’s exactly what’s supposed to be happening. So here I drift with lines slipping through my hands…releasing the fists that want to hold on….and asking the Universe to help me move gracefully to the next place in this life. That magical mountain home as well as my spiritual home within the heart of the planet.
The clear, rushing waters still sing to my heart. They are calling me home.
While cycling yesterday I put my iPod on shuffle of all songs on it. I do that sometimes as a way to let the Universe choose my inspiration for the ride. David Wilcox’s song, Let It Go, really touched me…
This seems so appropriate for the place in which I find myself. Letting go of the woman that I thought I should be. Who was she?
That question is so wrapped in expectations…of family, culture, institutions…my interpretation of what was expected and what I expected of myself.
Today I listened to an interview with a guy who does some truly inspired work and he said he had gone through two major awakenings in his life. One led to his first spiritual opening where he moved more into alignment with his path and was very happy doing the work but eventually he began to feel called to deeper work and wasn’t sure what was happening. He related that his intuition, his guidance that he had grown to trust, disappeared and he felt as if he was stumbling in the dark. It went on for a few years until finally he came through that long period with guidance that was specific about the next phase of his work. He had no idea how it would work out but he listened and the result is simply amazing.
This resonated so deeply with me as I have been very happy in the work I’ve done over the past decade or so. Photographing underwater wildlife, writing about the connection with Nature and sharing with others has been amazing but my guidance is taking me to different work. And no matter how much I question and wrestle with the direction, in the end I completely trust it.
Over the past few months, as I have started to come out of the threshold and begin the first tentative steps to the other side of this transitional period, the meaning has become clearer. There’s a different level of opening that occurs when we take our wholeness into Nature and sit simply with the intention to connect.
I believe the solution to the problems of the planet begins within each of us. And it seems that recognizing Oneness and experiencing it is the first step. Perhaps our only task is to stand in conscious awareness of Oneness with Nature and all life. What if we all did that? There would be no war, no hate, no pollution or destruction of our planet, no fighting…imagine.
My work is unfolding from this shift in focus, this beautiful place of connection. The animals I have worked with through my photography and travels are encouraging me, from inner guidance, to take the work deeper and share what I’ve learned from them with others. The first stage of this is through a course of study called Deepening with Nature. It’s a thirteen lesson self-study course in which animals guide participants through 28 days each lesson with exercises and meditations to deepen the relationship with Nature and thus the self. Each lesson is guided by a wisdom keeper animal spirit. It begins with a Humpback Whale. Lesson two is a Wolf…three is a Dolphin and four a Bear….and so on.
I’ve had to let go of the direction I thought life would unfold and allow it to organically blossom into a deeper expression of my heart’s profound love of this planet. Years ago I made the commitment to be a bridge between humans and nature and envisioned it would be through me connecting with Nature and then sharing photographs, videos and writing and that would be it. Now I see the depth of the work I am called to and it’s quite humbling. I’m being asked to go much deeper in helping people connect to Nature, not just from a superficial level but to the real core of it all.
When we open our hands and hearts and let go, we can once again receive.
It felt as if my body was wound around the busyness of the past four days of work in an outdoor clothing retail store. No matter how much I like my coworkers and the quality of the clothing, the constant music, influx of customers and steady-non-stop-going is as far from my ideal way to generate money as I can image….almost. I’m so sensitive energetically that I don’t have time to download the extra stimulations when I’m working so many back-to-back days. So many, you ask?
I am grateful for work and it is teaching me that I’m excellent at sales (who knew?) and this confidence in talking with people and selling great practice for the next step in my own work…but I am learning just how much space I need to feel healthy and whole. I left this afternoon, after the four days in a row, feeling shattered.
After dinner and a movie at home with my dog and cats, I felt my body wanting some restorative yoga so I got out my mat and lit a candle and put on my favorite soothing music…the same music I used when I did yoga with humpback whales a couple years ago. Just the act of caring for myself made me feel better immediately. I realized I need to set limits on how many days I can work without a day off….to restore my sense of stillness…of wholeness.
Here’s the thing…the stress I feel isn’t just from a part time job; the insanity and chaos of our country, failing ecosystems and all the social injustices adds up. Whether or not I dwell on any of them, I know they are happening and that adds to the heaviness of what I carry around with me.
But you know that dear reader for you, too, carry the stress of the wrongs of this mean-seeming world. We all feel the burden and the helplessness when we hear of children locked in cages and not properly cared for…when we hear of polar bears and gray whales starving….of ice melting at unprecedented rates. We might try to fool ourselves into thinking we’re not worrying but it’s still there in our subconscious mind. Our hearts are still breaking whether we acknowledge it or not.
Restore yourself….restore your life. Join me….light a candle for your life. Tell your heart’s work it comes first and make time for it, even if it means cutting back hours of paid work. Don’t short-change the soul’s longing.
The world needs us….our soul needs us to listen, pay attention and honor the sacred work we feel called to do. It’s time to nurture the life that longs to live in us.
Even though I was headed to Asheville to stay with friends, I saw a vision of myself standing in the Qualla Art Center in Cherokee and since it was hardly out of the way, I found myself standing in the art center looking at a beautiful hand-crafted knife…a woman’s knife. The hilt was carved from antler in the shape of a bear head and as soon as I picked it up I knew it was a tool to help me cut through illusions and my own BS my mind can produce quite prolifically…it was a tool to assist in my work.
After three days of looking at property and homes I wisely scheduled a day of play in the woods. First stop, Greybeard Trail with my camera pack and trusty tripod. The pack seemed overly heavy for two lenses and a camera but I strapped it on and grabbed my tripod. There’s so much water at the beginning of the trail I didn’t have to walk far to find mind-blowing beauty. All the stress of the past few days…honestly, the past 18 months…seemed to ease although I was still angry that nothing was clear about location to move, my home selling in Alabama…all of that ‘loveliness.’
I grew snarly about the bright light. I overslept so didn’t get the soft light of dawn and had to deal with hot-spots on the water which is not a pleasant obstacle when doing exposures that are long. But I made the best of it climbing over huge fallen trees, skidding down rocks and climbing back up after photographing the rocks and water. I played….and played….and that was healing.
I placed my expensive carbon fiber tripod on the top of the car on the padded kayak/paddleboard rack, and loaded my bag into the car. I drove into Black Mountain, parked, ate a huge and wonderful breakfast for lunch and afterwards drove to my friend’s home to play with their dog, feed her, walk in the garden with her….then drove an hour to Brevard…Dupont State Forest…and when I got out the tripod was still on top of my car. It somehow stayed there on interstate travel, on winding mountain roads and nobody stole it when it was laying there for over an hour in Black Mountain. I almost cried with relief. It’s such a wonderful tool when taking long exposures. This was a major miracle. Somehow it stayed with me.
Walking on forest service gravel roads isn’t that easy, especially when carrying weight. And there were hardly any signs…so there was the issue of trusting that I was still on the right road. Finally, I looked at my watch and it indicated 6 minutes until 3pm. Okay…that’s my deadline. If I haven’t gotten some sign or assurance that I’m going in the right direction by 3pm I am turning around. And of course, two people came over the hill and they assured me it was ahead, a bit of a walk still, but not to give up. The woman said, “It would be such a shame to give up now.” Of course, she wasn’t carrying the gear. But still….
But I made it back to the original falls I wanted to see and had a little water to spare in my bottle. But I never made it to downtown Brevard….I wanted to check out the vibe for a potential location to live.
At some point during the evening Steve started sharing his love of cave art and we had an amazing conversation about shamen as being the original artists. They were able to touch the unseen world and bring back the essence of it through their art. He talked of the connecting flow of the visible world and the world of spirit…and it reminded me of the studies I did years ago with the Foundation for Shamanic Studies and the work I do in meditation…or whatever you wish to call it…where I connect with nature through the energy that connects us all.
As I wept I felt a Presence touch my shoulder and say, Go to the Stone Circle. My friend and I were only a mile or so away from Castlerigg Standing Stone Circle. She was in her room asleep after staying up late to check on the election results. I quickly ran up to my bedroom and got dressed in layers…it was November and snowy. Within a few minutes I was out the door and defrosting the windshield.
I arrived at the Circle before anyone else. I entered and walked clockwise around the huge circle and came to what I came to call the Priest Stone. I knelt there and placed my hands on it and wept and cried out…WHY!?!?! Then I listened.
After documenting the BP Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill for a year, I was completely burned out. After spending a week with Joanna Macy in workshop and healing space, I had a vision. I imagined myself standing in the board room of BP. I looked around the room at all the people in suits and made eye contact with them and said, You are my brother, you are my sister. I consume fuel, use plastic, enjoy air conditioning and heat…as a consumer I am part of the problem…but I can also be part of the solution.
If you embark on the journey of self-change it is guaranteed to be the most challenging journey you ever undertake but it is also the most rewarding, the most freeing. Don’t give up on yourself because you, my friend, just might be the hundredth monkey.