Sometimes Life is…Amazing
The smoke detector went off at 2:42am this morning. Just little beeps that indicate the need for a new battery. I wasn’t sleeping well anyway but had drifted off just as the blasted thing started acting out. The ceiling is too high to reach with a baseball bat and the ladder is outside…in the cold…in the dark. And I don’t have the proper replacement battery.
Obviously I’m not supposed to sleep. I’ve been putting off writing this because I truly can’t piece it all together in a single blog post, can I? How can I take two years of intense growth with the aim of returning to the mountains and all that it entailed into a single entry?
The summary? It’s truly amazing how everything came together after a really difficult and challenging period of inner clearing. If you wish to know more, read on. If you just want to look at the pictures, enjoy. This is to honor the Path. And the incredible journey that ensues when a person dares to step onto It.
Even back then I knew change was coming. I felt it. And as usual, I see things that will happen in the future and think that it means now. When it means a lot later than now. Here’s the jest of the entire two years–trust the Path and the places it takes you with unyielding faith. Do your inner work and wait on the right timing.
After my home had been on the market a while, I had a contract and a few months later they had a contract on their home but the deal involved no less than six closings happening. Any bobble and the entire thing would collapse…but that never happens…right?
When I came up to look at homes again I was directed, by a cousin and another cousin, to look into an area I had considered in passing as my favorite place as a child…the area around Cherokee, NC. I had looked for over a year in the Asheville and Black Mountain areas and wasn’t feeling it. The growth and crowded conditions and high prices were all turn-offs for me. Nothing felt right.
So once my buyers had a contract it all started to be clear…I needed to look where I had always dreamed of living. I found a home and everything was aligned. Finally.
Until a week or so from closing and my buyer’s buyers pulled out of the deal because of a three day delay in closing. And then my buyers backed out. My home was packed. I had just purchased a new vehicle. Had quit my part time job. And quite honestly this broke me apart….or open…it was stressful (like a bomb going off in your life is stressful).
So I cycled to stay sane and when I realized I was pushing myself too hard I started walking on the beach before sunrise. I couldn’t eat. I was in freak-out mode. How can this happen?
I had the thought that I should just look for a job and rent a home in the mountains as I didn’t have a mortgage but dismissed it. Later that day my friend Rose called and said she was standing there washing dishes…I think or was it me washing dishes when she called…and had the thought to call me and suggest I look for a job and go ahead and move. Okay….that was good confirmation.
So I looked at the tribal website and found a teaching position that closed that very day so I had to work hard to get everything submitted. I also applied for other jobs as a children’s therapist with a private agency. And then I let go.
Then, the next week I got three calls to show my home, one from a couple who had seen it months previously. And they made an offer and we agreed on a deal. The house I had a contract on in Sylva had a new buyer by that time so I knew that wasn’t my home but I had to return to the area to find a home.
On the home-buying trip I had an interview scheduled for a children’s therapist position in Sylva. I hadn’t heard anything from the Cherokee tribal human resources.
I was supposed to stay with a friend in Sylva but that didn’t work out so I called and stayed in Cherokee that first night. I awoke before sunrise the day of the interview and decided to dress for the interview, check out early and go up to my favorite sunrise overlook in the Smoky Mountain National Park.
When I got there I stood outside and looked out over the layers of mountains and sky and asked to be shown where to go and what to do…I asked to be given clarity. And the entire drive back down to Cherokee I kept hearing, the therapist job is not what you want. I decided to do the polite and keep the interview appointment anyway.
I was walking around the visitor center in the national park and my phone rang. The person that was supposed to interview me had double-booked herself and couldn’t see me after all. I just started laughing and got a few stares from wary visitors.
After a hearty breakfast in Cherokee I returned to the visitor center and changed into jeans and hiking boots and spent the morning walking around my favorite places. One is a pull-off in the national park and I walked down by the river and said a prayer: Show me where I can be of service, where my gifts and talents can be used.
As I was pulling out of the parking lot back at the visitor center a bit later, I got a call about the teaching position on the Reservation. That was a quick answer. But I still had a house to find.
In reality, the house found me…and the land. It’s a quirky cabin style home with one tiny closet and a master bedroom that is too small. So I inhabit the expansive loft as a bedroom and office and one basement bedroom is being converted into a storage closet.
As I sit at the dining table, the view is of the national park. And the view is exactly where I said that prayer for clarity…looking back at me.
I start the teaching job in four days.
A great cycling shop has given me connections to my love of cycling and has helped me re-connect with mountain biking…the technology with mountain bikes has changed so much since I had one 15 years ago it’s mind-blowing. Everyone is so nice and helpful…thank you Motion Makers!!
There’s a favorite bathroom stall at Lowe’s now and I think they are about to offer me my own marked parking spot.
I installed bi-fold doors today where the ghetto curtain hung to hide the washer and dryer. I nearly poisoned myself and four animal companions with fumes from stain…and got up at 1am to remove the doors and place them on the front porch without caring if the cold messed up the stain.
The fire alarm needs a battery and I have to haul a big ladder upstairs to make this happen. And return to Lowe’s for batteries. Why would I go anywhere else?
But here’s the thing–when I sit down to eat I am the view looking back at itself. This area is what I saw that morning and so many other mornings when I photographed the sunrise from the park. This place is part of the layers of lavender and pink, this is where my prayers carried to that morning.
Never would I have imagined during that time of breaking open that I would feel so very grateful the domino deal fell apart and I lost money from a home offer in Sylva. As I felt the intensity of fear and disappointment and loss I could never have imagined how incredibly perfect everything would be as it comes together. I fully expect to meet a nice guy soon that loves cycling and diving and dogs and cats. And the way it’s going there will be bluebirds and butterflies hovering over his head.
I’m only ten minutes to work and the national park. The little house, in all its quirkiness, is already very dear to me. Buddy’s fence is ordered. The cats screened porch is in the works. And I have a job working with children…always my heart returns to the young as they are our greatest hope.
How can things go from being so completely messed up to being so incredibly wonderful? Perhaps we need to allow ourselves to break open, to unravel a bit for then the light can reach those dark, scary places and the healing goes deeper and opens us up to exactly what we dreamed of as children…what’s been waiting all along.
So many people have supported me during this journey and for that I am deeply grateful. There has also been support in the realm of Spirit that has been unwavering and as steady as a drumbeat. Thank you. I feel that beat in my bones calling me home.
P.S. The smoke detector never made another peep…or beep after I started writing.
The morning began with a dream that awakened me long before sunrise. In the dream I was traveling to the mountains and a young woman was present. I invited her to ride. She needed to come along for some reason so we rode in silence and arrived at a music fest somewhere in the mountains. Some people I knew were singing on stage and I was invited to sing with them and asked her to join. I said, just be yourself and let light shine through you.We sang together and later, I saw a video of myself–in the dream–and couldn’t believe how my face was pure light, as if I was channeling pure light through my singing and by simply being myself. Later we sat at a table with musicians I know and she was there with me. The fellowship was amazing.
I stopped and did a live video on social media of the intense line of orange reflecting off of the smooth sand, saturated with moisture. I saw how the turbulence washed away shells and left a smooth surface where light reflected was even more beautiful than the light itself. I said, My hope is that I can be swept clean and light can reflect off of me and through me this day and every day. Setting that intention was powerful medicine as the experience unfolded.
A dolphin leaped out of the water just as the tip of the sun slid above the horizon. I couldn’t make that up in my wildest imagination. As the words WOW!!were coming out of my mouth the sun rose. That WOWturned into OH MY GOD! You wanted that first glimpse of sun!
A great blue heron was standing in the rising light of the sun. The beauty was stunning and I felt a thawing of the frozen tears and October snow that has been heavy on me over the past week.
Buddy and I went for a walk around the neighborhood and as I was walking I thought, right about now we’d be in Montgomery with the moving truck following behind. A tinge of sadness arose but then I heard, But wouldn’t it have been sad to leave myself behind?
I’ve never been one to give much credence to manifestos. They are sort of like…ooohh, look at me….I have something to say. And I find that most of us have something to say but nobody really pays much attention except to their own voices in their heads. Everything else just goes through their filters of who they accept as okay and who isn’t and they look for everything possible to uphold their belief about themselves and others. Oh, there’s the evidence that she IS crazy.
But this cluster of a house closing and moving has brought up enough fear to shake me to my core and make me wish I was anywhere but here, in this skin and bone experience. Not just regarding my own personal challenges but for the planet. I keep hearing to write my own manifesto. Maybe a last word of an old life that helps open the doorway to the new one. I’m ready for that crossing. That Threshold has been looming for over three years or 59 years or lifetimes. I don’t really know. Regardless, here goes.
I am so freaking angry at humanity and wish I wasn’t a human. The shame I feel from being part of a species that is hell-bent on destroying itself is huge. It isn’t only the miserable leadership of this country (USA) that is taking us backwards at warp speed….racism, environmental lack-of-protection, elitism, corruption…it’s happening in many places on the planet. The gains so many worked for so diligently for so many decades have been lost in nearly three years. Three years. Three years of insanity supported by politicians who don’t have the guts to stand up to a maniac because greed is their guiding light. There is no moral compass in this country where such bigotry, hatred and nihilism is encouraged and fueled by leadership.
There are those in my life that think they know what’s best for me. If I only got a ‘real’ job I’d be just fine. As if me having a job would fix any of the woes of the world…or fix the angst in me.
I worked for six months for an international company and found how insidious their practices are regarding the environment yet they wanted the lowly workers, earning less than $10 an hour, to ‘sell’ how great they were environmentally….while thousands and thousands of plastic hangers get trashed every year at just one store and plastic bags wrap every shirt, pants, hat, coat, vest….plastic that doesn’t get recycled. Yes….by all means let me just get a job to solve my problems. It only opened my eyes wider to the insanity of this world based on greed and profit at any cost.
I’ve never felt like I fit in and have felt I am at least one step off from the rest of humanity. My goal has been to connect people with Nature in an effort to preserve at least some parts of the planet and Her species. While my efforts have been sincere and well-received, they have never supported me financially. So I’m left either selling my soul to corporate America or watching my finances swirl down the drain as I try to make a difference.
In my travels I have connected deeply to the land and sea, to humpback whales, manatees, dolphins, sea lions. I have felt the immense power of the sea and wanted to kiss the ground upon release from a storm-tossed boat. I have sensed the stillness of the sea that reflected the heavens so perfectly it was difficult to tell where the sea stopped and the sky began.
There are no regrets about my traveling to other countries such as England and Ireland where in stone circles or other ancient, sacred places I have awakened to deeper levels of my soul and the vast connection to Earth and Stars and Sea. Each journey has gifted me with something priceless. Had I grasped my money in fear, I would have never had those experiences.
I have watched an octopus dance with me, had squid explore the dome port on my underwater housing. Had manatees kiss me. Humpback whales, after spending three separate weeks with them, have taught me how intelligent they are and how caring and loving they are to their young…they broke me open to love like I had never known before. And they began calling me when I was only a teen through their song. They have been a guiding force for me and the kinship we share is profound and on the level of soul.
Diving in the veins and life-blood of the planet has been a gift like no other. Being inside Her….within Her beauty changed me, altered my perception of what is truly important.
I have moved through my life with trust in the Universe, even when things were at their worst for me personally. And now, after everything had seemingly come together perfectly for this big leap into the next part of my journey, I stand on a precipice knowing I cannot return to how I was–I won’t unpack the boxes and carry on as if nothing has changed–knowing I might not survive if I leap and fall into the Abyss but knowing that the only way forward is to actually step out in faith over the Abyss trusting that if I fall there will be grace in my passing and peace. And if I make it to the other side, there will be grace as well.
My manifesto wanted to be written. It’s for no one’s benefit but my own, delving into my own feelings of frustration, fear and love for this planet, for the beauty that seems to be disappearing so fast I can scarcely keep up. My manifesto is one of deep and profound grief. Of fear for an uncertain future personally and planetarily. I don’t want to live in a world without bees and butterflies, without right whales and orcas, without black rhinos and gorillas, without kemp’s ridley sea turtles and orangutans, without love and compassion and common decency. For to live in a world such as this is not to live at all. It’s simply to exist in a living hell.
During this long Threshold experience there has been much time to reflect on this juncture in life. For over two years there has been intense consideration but in reality the question Why am I here? has echoed for many years.
I have followed my heart, followed the guidance I feel, and it led me on a fascinating journey. It started while in high school working at a local state park in environmental education which progressed to attending college and majoring in Outdoor Recreation Administration which led to seven years working as a state park naturalist which led me to deeper discovery in life when I had an awakening that took me away from everything familiar at age twenty-five.
Because self-reflection was so useful for my own inner growth, I choose to attend graduate school majoring in Counseling which led me to work in the fields of addictions, children and adolescent therapy and family therapy. To be an effective therapist I kept going deeper which led me to massage and bodywork.
But the part of the path that was missing in my work was nature. I spent a lot of time in nature—hiking, cycling, paddling, diving—but my work was indoors and there wasn’t a connection with nature and healing in the work I offered people.
I stopped ‘working’ for a living and started giving for living. I photographed beautiful places—both on land and underwater—met amazing creatures that allowed me entry into their realm and through these amazing experiences kept journals and wrote about the inner transformation that happened every time I submerged into underwater caves, made contact with humpback whales underwater, swam with dolphins pushing against me in their pod, witnessed lavender mountain sunrises, saw the birth of baby sea turtles, had manatees rest their heads on my shoulder…amazing experiences happened when I stepped out in faith to fulfill the promise of helping connect nature and humans.
During this time I spent a year documenting the BP Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill. I traveled from the mountains of North Carolina to the Gulf Coast each month and spent a week photographing and creating videos of seven beaches from Fort Morgan, Alabama to Ft. Pickens, Florida.
Several books were produced, mostly by my own financing, ranging from a child’s book on the Gulf Oil Spill, children’s books on sea turtles and manatees to short essays on profound interactions with ocean wildlife complete with photographs I took. One of my books—the most-sold one—was created by listening to the wisdom animals shared…Manatee Mindfulness and Other Wildlife Wisdom.
A lot has resulted from fulfilling that promise and now the time comes for another leap. Guidance has been to go deeper with Nature, to connect people with the wisdom teachings of wildlife. During one meditation I heard, You went out and connected with the animals and places, now you must teach what you learned to those willing to listen.
Not the most specific instructions but I did begin writing a course in self-study called, Deepening with Nature, which will eventually become an e-book people can download and use for their own deepening experiences. The other piece will be workshops and retreats designed to help people connect deeper with Nature and each other.
One has been delving into the last few years of Freddie Mercury’s musical career and while I respect and generally adore Freddie Mercury and his music, it is the final years of his writing and singing that have touched me deeply. His love of opera motivated him to follow his passion to write and perform duets with opera diva Monserrat Caballe.
His advancing illness eventually kept him from performing yet he was determined to go into the studio and record tracks that his band mates in Queen could finish after his death. He knew he would never hear the final music yet the songs were coming through him and he wanted to give them to the world.
The album the band released four years after his death contains some of the songs he left behind with his piano and voice. Other tracks were recorded by the other members of Queen and then mixed. It is some of the most moving music I’ve ever heard, especially knowing how it was created and with passion not only from Freddie but his friends who added their instruments and voices…and love.
Can you imagine the loyalty for your path to keep going, to keep sharing under such hardship? He inspires me every day to listen deeply to that which wants to be birthed through me.
As I read her stories, her passion and vision was so evident. I heard myself asking, What is my vision? What is my passion? I love to cave dive but there is no way I would ever explore and go through the hardships required to do that sort of work. And yet, I have done deep exploring…within myself.
Too often we fail to give ourselves credit for the intense, challenging, courageous work we do when we make the commitment to grow. The awakening that happened when I was 25 years old was the first major leap inward. It was my introduction to ‘cave diving’ within the cave that is me. And even though I am a certified open water diver/instructor and certified cave diver and side-mount cave diver, the most incredible experiences from my life have been the ones where I unearth treasures buried deep within myself.
It’s not so exciting or adrenaline-pumping to read about someone’s personal, challenging, courageous inner journey through their life but those journeys are just as important as the challenging experiences extreme explorers have that take them to the edge. Anyone that makes the commitment to grow faces many experiences that take them to the edge of what they know and their ability to navigate the dark, uncharted inner realm.
The outer experiences of learning to open-water dive and learning to cave dive compelled me inward, called me deeper as did experiences with humpback whales, manatees, dolphins, sea lions, mountains, streams….my outer ‘lite’ explorations pushed me to depths of connection that forever altered my life and hopefully, by sharing them, the lives of those reading about them or viewing my photographs.
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