Forgetting the Script

In a dream: I was the director of a Harry Potter play being presented in the old Baptist church where I grew up. Everyone was asked to bring their talent into the production and I was to write the script. I did write it but when I got to the presentation I had forgotten it and worse still, I couldn’t remember any of it…the theme, the general idea of what was happening…I had absolutely no clue of what to say or do. But everyone else had used their creativity to design two amazing, small sets that were colorful and delightful. At first the crowd was small but it grew to be a large gathering, all waiting to see the play. I kept asking others what the play was about, what were my lines even though I had written the script. The good news…it was a success even though I had forgotten everything I had written. Each person, bringing their own talents and simply going with the flow of the production, made it amazing. 

This dream really captured my attention and mirrored my frustration at wondering what I’m doing to make a difference on the planet, what I’m doing with my talents and skills. Sometimes it seems I’m walking a continual trust walk through dark woods in hope that the guidance is true. Anxious, sometimes fearful, but letting go of control and allowing my life to unfold into the highest expression of love I can offer is the only thing I know to do.

Today, as I was walking in the woods, I thought about the journey of the soul through incarnation. What if we have a glimpse into the life we are about to be born into and have goals of what we want to do with our life and then, as we come into physical form, gradually forget. And what if that’s intentional, the forgetting, so we learn to trust and not operate from ego but come from a place of soul expression–unattached to outcome, willing to trust our trajectory.

We get little cookie crumbs that guide us from one place to the next if we pay attention. Many times the crumbs come in the way of everyday challenges that seem much bigger than they ‘should.’ For instance, the recent influx of tourists, thus many fly fishers, have made my usual fishing creek seem crowded and overrun and over-fished so I began looking for other locations to fish. In doing this fears arose that made no sense. The fears seemed so much bigger than the experience. When that happens I know there is a much bigger issue that wants healing.

As I explored this issue of changing fishing locations, I found myself always going back to the one I was comfortable with instead of going to a new one. The night before I would feel anxious about a new spot. As I explored this through meditation I saw an image of fear  represented as sticks given to us at birth. Society teaches fear as a control mechanism and teaches us how to beat ourselves into submission. I saw how fear has been used by me to contain myself, to keep me from moving forward in life. This isn’t the fear that keeps me safe, to warn me of real dangers; this fear is a way of thinking and behaving that is so deeply rooted I am not aware of it. 

When we begin to consciously walk a spiritual Path, many times our lives fall apart and continue to do so. When we ask to grow and heal, opportunities arise that invite us to do just that and rarely is it all white light and warm fuzzy feelings. That happens and is amazing; however, usually it’s really hard work to excavate the true self. There’s a lot of conditioning and programming we have to clear.

Throughout my life I have used outdoor experiences to help heal my life. Usually they bring up fear and then I work with the emotions that arise to heal old wounds. Everybody has their own formula. Mine happens to be partnership with Nature. The following poem came from this recent experience of changing fishing locations…okay, from excavating old fears.

I

The place I love to fly fish is too crowded

Now with summer tourists and trout lust.

Other nearby creeks are better options

But I find myself paralyzed by fear to make

A change. What the hell?

II

They gave me sticks at birth, like they do us all;

Beat yourselves with fear—their control method.

And now, changing creeks and rocks and familiar trees

Seems too scary. Can I really cast my fly line in these

New waters?

III

Whirling, twirling like a dervish I dance

The sticks of fear from my bones

And burn them in the fire of purification

Opening the way for new life born

From ashes of the old.

IV

Light dancing on new waters,

Green and yellow glow in early morning

As I cast my line and release the old

Fears that kept me stuck and small.

Freedom to fly.

V

It isn’t the water or rocks, they are my 

Allies. It isn’t the trout, they are my 

Teachers. The act of expanding helps me

See the fear as the manipulation it was…

To keep me small.

VI

Dropping into the flow I feel boundaries

Disappear. Ashes from the stick burning

Stirs as fear tries again but this time I

See it for the monster it is and call it out:

Oh, sinister demon.

VII

All the drama, all the effort to keep me

Small? I must be immensely threatening to

Status quo. The deprograming is going well.

New creeks receive my line and trout are

Nodding their approval.

Perhaps the greatest fear I’ve discovered is the one my dream revealed this morning. What if I’m not doing what I came here to do? What if I’m not helping the planet? What if I’m failing?

Yet the dream also revealed that it is in letting go of the script and surrendering to the process of life that yields true beauty. And this is backed up by a recent meditation.

In the meditation I heard that the foundation of all fear is expanding into our true self and releasing the ego’s need for control. When we do this, we let go of everything familiar and step into the Unknown. The ego is all about control while the Soul Self carries the unlimited potential of The Universe where everything is possible.

Diving into the Unknown is the Spiritual Warrior’s Empty-Handed-Leap-into-the-Void. There are two cliffs and in between them is the Unknown. Can I let go of the familiar place of ego—the script—and reach for the other cliff, the place where my Soul Self has unlimited connection to Source? That’s the question we all face. Over and over again.