Category: Heart and Healing

Sweet Horse Breath…Remembering a Great Horse

Sweet Horse Breath…Remembering a Great Horse

(This post is from a story I wrote about my beloved Tomahawk Red. It was originally published in Western North Carolina Woman magazine).

When I was three years old I balked at walking down the aisle as the flower girl in my cousin’s wedding.  I was terrified at the prospect of being the center of attention in such a large event.  My mom finally promised me anything I wanted if I would take those tiny steps from the back of the church to the altar.  She got her wish and I got mine.

My red cowgirl outfit was a child’s dream come true.  The red and white checked shirt, red vest, boots and hat made me feel like a cowgirl, as I rode for hours on my rocking horse Champ.  It was not until many years later that my dream of being a real cowgirl manifested with a new best friend, Tomahawk Red.

When I was fourteen years old my dad purchased a young Appaloosa colt.  Since Tommy was too young to ride, I worked with him every day in our backyard.  We became great friends as I spent every spare hour with him.  He became a regular visitor to our patio, much to my mom’s dismay.  She lived in terror of him getting spooked and shattering her sliding glass door.

simonelipscomb (1)We had a large fenced yard so often Tommy would be allowed to graze in the yard.  He would always find his way to our patio and step onto the concrete slab so that he could peer into our family room from the large glass door.  I begged my parents to let him come in the house, but to their credit and good judgment, Tommy remained an outdoor horse.

My father was seriously ill when he paid the $300 for Tommy.  Dad was not able to do much with me due to his debilitating illness that left him in a wheelchair, but he would spend time watching me work with Tommy from the patio or he would go with me to Appaloosa club meetings and shows.  Tommy became a link between my father and me that bridged the distance teenage attitudes and physical illness creates between parents and their maturing children.

When Tommy became old enough to ride I put the saddle on him and rode him.  It was not a big deal and there was no ‘breaking’ of his spirit as some horses experience when learning to carry a human on their back.  Tommy and I were so connected, the first time I sat on his back was a non-event for him.  It was just the next logical step in our relationship.

simonelipscomb (2)Every day after school I would ride Tommy.  We would journey through open fields and dirt roads of coastal Alabama.  He was my best friend, my therapist and the love of my life.  I loved the smell of his sweat and the feel of his warm breath on my face as we kissed, nose to nose.  Without hesitation I can say that Tomahawk Red was my first love.

One night, after flooding rains had soaked the land for days, our stable began to flood.  Our five horses decided to come to the stable rather than wait out the flood in the higher pasture.  In the middle of the night, my younger brother and I had to wade into chest deep water to unlatch the stable door so the horses could come into our backyard to safety.  I know we saved our horses lives that night but in so many ways Tommy saved my life every day.

Expressing my feelings about my father’s illness never happened until many years later in therapy, but the hours spent with Tommy helped me stay open to experience the world and life as a young woman.  Tommy carried me and my emotional pain for many years.  I credit him with helping me stay sane as a teenager.  And for keeping me out of typical teenage trouble.

simonelipscombDad never saw me graduate from college or never met my daughter.  His disease claimed his life when he was only 43 years old.  But my friend Tommy knew of the milestones in my life.  He met my daughter and introduced her to the smell of horse sweat and sweet, horse breath.  He understood the demands of motherhood, a career and a marital relationship.

After us kids left the house and loss interest in riding, all the horses were sold except for Tommy.  How could I sell my best friend?  Instead, I chose to retire him and let him live his life free and easy among the cows on my grandfather’s farm.  I did not see Tommy so much after adulthood grabbed me, but I continued to love him and hold a special place for him in my heart.

When he was almost twenty years old I got a call from my mom about Tommy.  Something was wrong.  I called the vet and met him at the farm.  The diagnosis was not good and I knew the end was near.  The decision I faced was horrible.  How could I choose to kill my best friend, my first love?

I chose to spend the night with Tommy and ask him what he wanted.  He had to be a part of the decision-making process.  As he lay on the grass, grunting from pain, I rubbed him, sang to him and thanked him for many years of friendship and love.  When dawn arrived the choice was clear.

I stayed with Tommy as the vet administered the doses of drugs that would end his physical life.  I knelt on the ground and felt his last breath as it blew warm against my face.  Tears fell against his beautiful spots as I stroked his strong neck.  Grief ripped through my body as I said goodbye to my loyal friend.

But Tommy was not the only one for whom I grieved.  Finally, after many years of being emotionally shut down, sadness over my dad’s death was freed from its dark hold on my life.  I never realized how my father’s love blanketed me through the relationship between Tommy and me.

Tommy taught me how to be strong as a horsewoman.  He modeled loyalty and commitment in relationship and most of all, Tommy taught me how to love wholly and completely with my entire self.

As I walked away from his beautiful brown and white spotted body, I gazed into the sky.  I felt a rush of warm wind as it carried his spirit onward, free to run amongst the wild horses who never knew illness or pain and who dwelled in the eternal fire of unconditional love.  I think I saw my father there, riding his old horse, Prince.  They were all free and happy.

Light of the Soul

Light of the Soul

SimoneLipscomb (4)Seeing the light of a person’s soul is one of the most profound experiences I’ve ever known. He had a wide open heart and unbounded love shining forth for me and I had an open heart and mind to receive it. To know love as given through an open heart can be rare, but it need not be.

While it wasn’t a forever relationship for me, the love generated from it lives on strongly in my heart. And I continue to be grateful.

SimoneLipscomb (9)As humans we have moments of allowing our light to shine and other moments when fear takes over and creates a cloak around the light. It can be scary to be open if others are changing around us. When life events create change, the temptation is to withdraw and not risk being open, not risk being vulnerable. That’s when all our filters kick in and we see the world through our wounds instead of with the eyes of spirit. Every person alive has most likely experienced this.

SimoneLipscombLast week a three hour lunch with a friend produced pages of notes as we bounced ideas off of each other about how to make a difference, how to be a positive force. One of us chewed food while the other spoke…all the while the chewer listened and allowed inspiration to come forth. Then we switched roles. Both of us have experienced frustration in our life’s path and the direction we feel guided. What came from that meeting was the simple idea of allowing love to move through us and open the way. An answer for all?

SimoneLipscomb (1)I find that when I become fearful, I get tense. As I tense my body, my thoughts follow and I feel smaller. And then…love is struggling to shine through the tiny cracks of space left open in my heart. But when I relax my body, my mind relaxes and then my heart opens and there is room for love. Or maybe the mind is first…or maybe the heart. But somehow the mind, body and spirit all work together to create an expansive and open heart. Or one that is shut down. The choice is ours.

As I have worked to move forward in life, I have struggled to understand why my heart keeps returning to that relationship. After months of no contact, my heart still feels the love. Clarity arrived as I finally realized that seeing the light of his soul changed my life for the better. Knowing the light of another’s heart was profound and I’ll not settle for anything less in relationship. But I also understand that maintaing that kind of openness takes a lot of work. And it begins with me. To find others whose hearts are open requires that mine be open. And it requires that I am willing to be vulnerable.

SimoneLipscomb (11)Each of us has the capacity to allow our light to shine. We have choice. When we live more open to love, love becomes the reality, the expectation…the way of being. As we are grounded in love, determined to stay open, we must be disciplined for it is easy to close down, to hide. But love is what will sustain us..not our fears or our anger. Love generates both urgency and patience. As we intend to live love, love changes our reality.

I have tried anger and frustration and impatience. I have tried to force change…but none of that ever works. Only through softening…and opening…and embracing light and love has my life shifted, has my vision cleared.

SimoneLipscomb (2)Love has known me. Light of another’s soul has touched me. That isn’t something I want to forget…ever. This is how we are designed to live.

May we collectively shed the cloaks of anger, hatred, frustration, hurt…. the past….and be willing to show the light of the soul to all.

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What Love Can Do

What Love Can Do

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Lately I’ve been asking the question, How can we really make a difference? Actually, for several months now I’ve been walking with this prayer in my heart and mind. I breathe it in the morning….walk with it during the day….rest my head on my pillow at night with this koan echoing through my spirit.

SimoneLipscombDocumenting the Gulf Oil Spill broke my heart and mind open. It brought me to my knees in the truest sense because I saw how everything precious and sacred can be taken away by careless human acts and ongoing choices and behaviors that are centered on profit…at any cost. After struggling with emotions of anger, grief, frustration, helplessness and more I connected with Joanna Macy‘s work and traveled to spend a week with her and others committed to creating positive change in our world. Without hesitation I can say that the week spent in Massachusetts helped me climb out of the emotional hole that I fell into witnessing first hand the oil spill.

Once among the living, however, my sense of direction faded. I realized I could no longer approach my work with anger or frustration because what I felt so strongly was love…for the planet, for creatures, for humans. I couldn’t bombard people with the horrific images that had filled my nightmares any longer. I didn’t want to be in denial about what is happening in our world but focusing on the terrible seemed only to perpetuate more of it. I felt that people were grieving the destruction of life, even if they weren’t consciously aware of it. And perhaps seeing beauty would inspire them to engage, encourage them to care a little more.

Water captivates me and my favorite images center around water...waterfalls...big water...underwater.

The theme of beauty and more specifically, focusing on beauty, became the answer I began to hear each time I asked the question, What can I do to make a difference? Yet that answer didn’t give me complete satisfaction or a sense of true direction. It was a start though.

Many more months have passed and the question still pulls me to deeper understanding. It seems quite simple but how difficult it can be to live the answer I received: Love. Love is the answer I’ve been hearing lately.

It sounds cliche. It sounds so ’60’s. Yet as I’ve explored and read….listened deeply to my core…it’s that simple.

Standing in love doesn’t mean we are powerless or squishy. Sometimes love looks powerful and strong. Other times it is enfolding, soft. It seems we are at a point of powerful change in our world. It takes radical courage to live from Love for most of what is modeled in our world is power-over, squishing the competition, winning at any cost….more…more…more. To observe this way of being and step away from it, to stand centered in love and compassion is radical. And yet history  has proven that power for power’s sake never works.

Or moments of intense stillness and inner quiet.

In some philosophies there is a diagram that is helpful. In it two lines intersect. One runs up and down and is considered to represent Spirit. The other crosses it and is representative of the physical path. In the center, at the intersection where Spirit and physical meet, is the point of becoming. It’s the place where we can, in a physical experience, balance our life with the qualities of Spirit, of Love.

Wendell Berry states, “Love isn’t a feeling. It’s a practice.” He also said, “What leads to peace is not violence but peaceableness.” This leads me to conclude that what leads to love isn’t hate…it’s love.

800_1019If we really want to change the world for the better, our first task then is to clear all obstacles within ourselves that keep us from truly knowing love. This means letting go of judgment of self and others, letting go of hate of self and others. Selfishness, ego…all must go as we open our hearts to the absolute power of love. When we do this, when we have such radical courage, we will see what love can do.

Angels Among Us

Angels Among Us

simoneOver 28 years ago I was sitting in Centennial Park in Nashville, Tennessee. Going through a major upheaval in my life caused me to seek guidance from a therapist and I was using the before-session time to sit quietly and collect my thoughts. During that time in my life I was awakening to my spiritual path and trying to figure out who I was…normal twenty-something angst.

A quiet corner of the park drew me and I sat in a glider. As I watched the trees and squirrels and people, I noticed what appeared to be a homeless man walking with strong intention from the far corner of the park. I was a bit uneasy as I was alone and he seemed to be heading straight for me.

Sure enough his long, purposeful strides brought him directly in front of me where he stopped and held out his hand, as if to shake mine. Without knowing what else to do I simply held out my hand and shook his. He simply said, “My name is John.”

SimoneLipscomb (1)When our hands touched and he spoke, it was as if my heart and mind expanded. I felt as if everything changed in that moment. It felt like an electrical jolt awakened me.

I believe John was an angel in human form. He disappeared after shaking my hand with the same purposeful walk. But my life was never the same.

Yesterday as I was leaving the Starbucks in Lake City, Florida I noticed a man with a heavy beard, cammo jacket, rough skin and very sad eyes drinking a cup of coffee. I paused, made eye contact, smiled and nodded. When I stepped outside I noticed his beautiful dog sitting next to his pack and bedroll. Alert and watchful, he observed me cautiously as I said hello.

SimoneLipscomb (2)I got to my car and felt my heart open and tears began to pour down my face. First, I felt tremendous gratitude for my many blessings…friends, family, home, car, food, and lots of fun toys for scuba, SUP boarding, cycling, photography. All of this abundance for which gratitude and humility bubbled up within me. Then the tears intensified as I wept for people that are alone or lonely or in pain. And I thought about how humans are so disconnected and how each day we have opportunities to make a difference in other’s lives.

It was New Year’s Day and so I was already pondering changes I would like to make in my life during the upcoming year. The weekend had given me much to ponder as I trained in a new form of scuba and cave diving. Challenges always bring up my ‘stuff.’

SimoneLipscomb (3)My instructor and I connected through email after I shared a blog entry I wrote about my experience and through her reply I had a major self-realization: I have consistently felt the need to be strong, to not show weakness. For decades I’ve put an intense effort into being strong. I did this from the time I was a small child riding a tricycle. Always independent and capable, refusing to ask for help. After over 50 years of this, I’m tired.

Nobody asked me to be strong or fiercely independent and it has served me well in much of my life. But a hard edge developed and I felt protected and guarded…not always, but much of the time.

Tears flowed as I read my instructors beautiful comments. I realized how much I’ve had to demonstrate strength and power to be accepted in relationships…or at least that was my perception. I never knew those scars were present until her kind words found their way to me.

SimoneLipscomb (5)When I greeted the man in Starbucks, when our eyes met, I was reminded that an open heart and mind is what I want to offer the world this year. As I drove, I pondered the entire weekend and resolved to bring all of who I am into the world. Refusing to hold back parts of myself but to joyfully express love and compassion, to allow myself to be vulnerable.

SimoneLipscombI’m not sure how angels work among us but I believe they do. When we drop the walls of fear erected to protect ourselves, we begin to know them, to learn from them. And can then pass along the love given to us.

 

 

 

Bring in the Light

Bring in the Light

photo copy 6I awakened this morning thinking of the Solstice…yesterday’s Solstice. Geez…I didn’t even mark the event, I thought but then quickly realized that I had climbed 177 steps toward the light in a tight spiral. Upwards I climbed with my daughter and son-in-law until we were almost inside the many-prismed glass sculpture that housed the light of the Pensacola Lighthouse.

photoWe had just visited the Naval Aviation Museum with my mom and decided to stop at the lighthouse and make the climb. Mom waited for us in the gift shop as we made our way up and up, winding tighter circles in the brick structure built in 1859. The wrought iron steps were chilly on my bare feet as I abided by the climbing rules and carried my flip flops rather than risk tripping on the steep stairway.

As we climbed I thought of the lighthouse keepers from years past whose jobs were vital to the safety of those traveling by ships. Before there was GPS, LORAN and other modern navigation tools, there were only charts, stars, sextants and lighthouses to keep sailors on course. The lights were illuminated by a lamp fueled with oil or kerosene instead of electricity. The rotating element was introduced in 1790’s houses and the Argand parabolic reflector system introduced in the early 1800’s. Electricity and carbide or acetylene gas began replacing kerosence around the turn of the 20th century. At that time the lamp could be automatically lit at nightfall and extinguished at dawn, eliminating the need for a keeper to climb the stairs carrying fuel and tending it during the long hours of the night.

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I tried to imagine how gallons of fuel might have been carried up the steep, tight stairway and marveled at the dedication required for those keepers all over the world whose job it was to bring light to all who needed it. As I reflect on the Solstice and the season of light, I ask this question: Are we any less in need of Light today?

photoWalking through the Naval Aviation Museum I noticed the machines of war…planes, aircraft carriers, markings on the sides of ships and planes denoting how many enemy planes, ships and other targets were destroyed. I felt such sadness that through the long history of humanity we still have not evolved beyond war. Success is still measured by some people and governments by the number of enemies we destroy. We continue to live based in fear. Fear that if we don’t destroy others, we will be destroyed.

In the spiritual tradition in which I was raised, I learned that Light entered the world through the birth of a man, a messiah, a Light that taught us to move from the Old Testament ways of an eye-for-an-eye to lives lived with compassion and love. But I ask….where is  love when decisions in our lives are based only in fear, in retaliation, in one-upping, and taking out (in one way or other) those who don’t believe like we do…dress like we do….worship like we do…look like we do.

photo copy 5By making the commitment to climb steadily toward the Light we reach greater understanding by seeing from a higher perspective. No longer operating from fear, we are able to see with new eyes, with open hearts.

We have spent far too long living with the mind-set of fear. Now is the time to bring in the Light.

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